The plainest word for the tension is homesickness
The plainest word for what runs through this placement is homesickness. Saturn in Cancer in the 9th house sets the pull of somewhere far away against an attachment to where you came from, and requires you to work out an arrangement between them.
The 9th house is distance, belief and the long view; Cancer is the part that belongs somewhere. So going is never simple and staying is never quite settled either. Whatever you end up believing about how life should be lived will have both halves of that argument built into it.
Your hesitation abroad is read as a lack of appetite
People who move easily assume you do not want to, when what is actually happening is a fully accurate assessment of the cost. You can go and you know exactly what it takes out of you. Saying that plainly — that you travel well and it is expensive for you — prevents a decade of being left off invitations by people trying to be considerate.
Two places is a weight, not a luxury
Being attached to more than one location means a permanent low-level division: whichever one you are in, something is being neglected in the other. Nobody who has only ever had one place understands this as a burden. Give the absent place a fixed regular contact rather than an unpredictable ache, since the ache is largely a function of not knowing when you will next be there.
It comes due the year you have to choose
The test is a decision that forecloses one side: the job elsewhere, the relative who needs you at home, the residency that has to be settled. There is no version where nothing is lost, and looking for one has already cost you time. Make the choice with the loss named out loud, because an unnamed loss keeps the question permanently open.
A sense of home that travels with you
What this eventually builds is unusual for somebody so attached to a place: the ability to establish the feeling of home somewhere new, quickly and deliberately, because you have had to work out what it is actually made of. Most people who never left do not know. You have a list, and the list is portable in a way the original location never was.
Any philosophy of yours has to account for where you came from
You cannot adopt a worldview that treats your origins as something to be transcended, however sophisticated it is, because the attachment is not negotiable. That has ruled out several frameworks that suited you intellectually. It is worth treating as a real criterion rather than a limitation. The ideas that survive it are the ones you will still hold in thirty years.
The training you took a long way from home
Serious study or professional training in your life probably involved distance, and the distance was the difficult part rather than the work. That pattern tends to repeat with every advancement opportunity. Where possible, structure the next one so the return is frequent and scheduled, because your capacity to complete something is genuinely affected by how reachable home is.
One of you is going to have to move
You are drawn to people whose lives are anchored somewhere else, so geography becomes the central negotiation of the relationship rather than a detail attached to it. Have that conversation early and explicitly, including who would move, what it would cost them, and what would happen to the arrangement if the answer turned out to be neither of you. It is an unromantic hour and considerably kinder than discovering the answer four years in.
The household had a worldview and did not call it one
What your family believed about how to live — about money, obligation, who deserves what — was presented as common sense rather than as a position. Recognising it as one specific view among several is the intellectual work of this placement, and it usually requires distance to see at all. That is one of the better reasons to go somewhere.
You inherited a set of rules about the body
The household you grew up in had firm views about food, rest, cold, complaining and when something counts as serious, and you are still operating on them without ever having examined a single one. Some are sound and some are simply what your grandmother thought. Pick the two you follow most automatically and find out whether they are true.