Everybody else was issued with instructions
There is a way of enjoying yourself that everybody else appears to have been issued with, and you have been reverse-engineering it for some time. Saturn in Aquarius in the 5th house makes pleasure something you approach analytically rather than something you fall into.
The 5th house is play, romance and what you make for its own sake; Aquarius watches the mechanism rather than being carried by it. Saturn adds the requirement that you get it right. So the ordinary enjoyments are available to you and rarely automatic, and the ones that are automatic tend to be unusual.
You analyse instead of joining in
At the occasion, the game, the celebration, you find yourself observing how it works, why people are enjoying it, what the underlying structure is. It is genuinely interesting and it is a position outside the thing. The people around you are inside it, which is why they can never quite explain what you are missing.
It comes due when the fun is entirely conventional
The test is an occasion with nothing whatsoever unusual about it: the ordinary party, the standard celebration, the thing everybody else enjoys in the standard way without difficulty. Your instinct will be to find it thin and to say so. Participating fully, once, with no commentary offered at any point, is the exercise here, and the resistance you feel while doing it is the whole of the material.
The permission to want something ordinary
What you will not permit yourself is straightforwardly conventional enjoyment: the popular thing, the sentimental pleasure, the entertainment with nothing whatever to say for itself. Some of that discernment is entirely real and some of it is a position being maintained at cost. Liking something ordinary undoes none of what you have built, and the fear that it might is doing a surprising amount of work.
Pleasure on terms you actually set
What this builds is enjoyment that is genuinely yours: unusual, deliberately chosen, and not borrowed from anybody's template. That is a real achievement and it does not have to be exclusive. The version with both — your own pleasures and the ordinary ones — is available and nothing about it is a compromise.
You want the relationship on unusual terms
The conventional shape of a romance does not fit what you actually want, and you have generally worked that out somewhere in the middle rather than at the start. Saying at the beginning what arrangement you have in mind saves everybody a considerable amount, and it is a conversation almost nobody has because there is no script for it.
You raise children to think for themselves and hope they agree
With children your instinct is to give them the reasoning and let them arrive at their own conclusions, which is genuinely respectful and comes with an unstated expectation that they will land near you. When one of them lands somewhere conventional instead, the disappointment is real and worth examining, because it was never part of the stated deal.
Being different is not the same as being interesting
Some of your choices were made because they were yours and some because they were not everybody else's, and the two are difficult to distinguish from inside. It is worth checking one of them: whether you would still want it if it were entirely ordinary. The answer occasionally reorganises quite a lot.
You gather people who do not otherwise meet
The occasions you organise tend to mix people from unrelated parts of your life who would never have encountered each other, and the results are usually better than anybody expected. That is a genuine talent and a form of hospitality most people never attempt. It is worth doing more often than you do.
Organised group activity is the wrong prescription for you
Classes, teams and anything with an instructor and a group produce resistance in you out of all proportion to the activity itself, and you have concluded from several abandoned attempts that you lack discipline. You do not. What you lack is tolerance for being processed. Anything solitary and self-directed — distance, water, a route you chose — you will sustain for years without effort.