A family with a reputation, and not much room in it
Two things sat side by side in the house you grew up in: a strong sense of what the family was, and very little room for what you were. Saturn in Leo in the 4th house puts pride and standing right into the private base, where they operate on everybody living there.
The 4th house is the foundation under everything; Leo cares how things look and what they stand for. So the household had a version of itself to maintain, and maintaining it took precedence over any individual member's need to be noticed — most reliably yours.
It comes due when you decline the family script
The test is choosing something the household would not have chosen for you: the work, the partner, the way of living that does not reflect well on the family name. You will feel it as disloyalty rather than as a preference. Make the choice and stay in contact, since the combination of those two is what actually changes anything.
Your distance is read as not caring
Because you stepped back rather than argued, relatives concluded that you were indifferent to the family, when what you were doing was declining to compete for a position. The misreading has held for years and it is correctable by presence rather than by explanation. Turn up to something unimportant. That does more than any conversation about the past.
The household's standing was everybody's job
Maintaining how the family appeared — to neighbours, relatives, the wider circle — was unpaid work distributed among everyone, and you did your share while receiving very little of the credit that the appearance generated. Noticing that it was work, rather than simply how things were, is the beginning of deciding how much of it you still do.
A home where you are actually visible
What this builds, in the place you make for yourself, is the opposite arrangement: a household where being noticed is not rationed and taking up room is not a fault. That takes deliberate construction because you have no working model of it. Put something of yours in the main room, prominently, and let it stay there.
You were the audience, not the act
Your role at home was to appreciate somebody else — a parent's talent, a sibling's promise, the family's story about itself — and you were good at it, which meant nobody looked for another use for you. That casting is still operating at gatherings decades later. Try arriving with something of your own to report, and say it early rather than at the end.
The approval you were waiting for is not going to arrive
A specific person, probably a parent, has never said the thing you have been organising a considerable amount of your life around hearing. They are unlikely to. Grieving that as a loss rather than treating it as an outstanding item is the move available here, and it is one you can make without anybody else's cooperation.
You want somebody who is visibly proud of you
What you need from a partner is not reassurance in private but pride expressed where others can see it — an introduction, a compliment made in company, being spoken about warmly when you are not in the room. Say so, because it sounds obvious to you and is genuinely not obvious to somebody whose own requirements are different.
Money spent on the house that people will see
Your domestic spending concentrates on the parts of the home that are visible to visitors, while the private rooms wait. It is not vanity so much as an old rule about what the household owes the outside world. Spend the next allocation on a room nobody else enters, deliberately, and notice how much more use you get from it.
You entertain properly or not at all
Having people over is an occasion in your house: the food, the arrangements, the standard maintained. It is genuinely impressive and it means casual visits almost never happen, because the casual version does not exist in your repertoire. Let one person come round to an unprepared house. The friendship changes register immediately and permanently.