You have had the experience and cannot make the case
You know something about meaning that you cannot defend in an argument, and you know it with more certainty than anything you could defend. Neptune in Pisces in the 9th house is why both are true at once: what reaches you arrives directly, and direct experience does not convert into propositions.
The era handed out the wish for edgelessness in bulk. Your birth time decided which part of life would hold it, and it chose the 9th house, so the boundlessness is what you look for in meaning rather than in your relationships or your work.
Union with something larger, as the actual aim
What you want from belief is not an explanation but a dissolving: the experience of being part of something that does not stop at your edges. Music, landscape, prayer, certain hours alone — these deliver it, briefly. Every framework then gets judged by whether it produces that, which is a demanding and slightly unfair standard to apply to a theology.
What follows the experience, and why it is hard
The return is the difficult part. Ordinary life after an experience of that kind is flat in a specific way, and the flatness can last weeks. You then go looking for the next one, and the looking can organise a whole life. Build the return into the practice deliberately — something to do afterwards, something to write, somebody to talk to.
The feeling accepted in place of the practice
What you are drawn to is the state rather than the discipline that traditionally produces it, so you have collected many experiences and very little training. The traditions all say the same thing about this and disagree about nearly everything else: the form is what makes the state repeatable. Take up one form and follow it, badly, for a long time.
Give it a shape, and keep the shape
Choose a practice with rules in it: fixed times, a text, a place, a form somebody else designed. It will feel like a constraint on something that was free. That constraint is precisely what carries you through the periods when nothing arrives, and those periods are most of it, in every tradition there has ever been.
You have known it directly and cannot pass it on
What you understand about meaning is not transmissible in the form you hold it, which is isolating and also the reason people have written poetry for several thousand years. Try to put it into some medium — words, music, images, a practice taught to somebody. The translation is always a loss and it is what makes the thing shareable.
You need work with something behind it
A job that is only a job becomes intolerable for you in a way that surprises people, and it is not about impact or status but about whether there is anything underneath. Choose for that, and accept the pay cut where there is one. The alternative costs you far more in a currency nobody else can see.
People sense you believe something and cannot ask what
There is an evident depth to you that nobody can find the question for, so it goes unmentioned and you are quietly assumed to be private about it. You may simply have no vocabulary for it. Try describing it once, clumsily, to somebody patient. Clumsy is the only version available and it is better than the silence.
You look for somebody who has felt it too
What you actually want in a partner is not shared belief but shared experience of a certain kind — somebody who knows the state you are describing, whatever they call it. That is rarer than agreement and much more binding. Ask about the experience rather than about the framework; the frameworks rarely match and the experiences often do.
Nobody at home had any language for this
Whatever your household believed, the direct, wordless kind of experience you have was probably not part of its vocabulary, so you had it alone and early and told nobody. That solitude has shaped how you hold it since. Say one sentence about it to a relative now. Some of them have had something similar and assumed the same silence.