You ask what the belief is protecting
What your mind is like is Scorpio; where it gets used is the 9th house — and together they aim you at the machinery underneath a worldview. Not whether the doctrine is true but who benefits from it, what it is defending, and what it lets people avoid looking at.
That makes you resistant to almost everything comforting and unusually hard to recruit. It also means you can spend a long time dismantling frameworks without building anywhere to stand.
The subject takes you completely or not at all
Learning here is not a broad survey but a descent: a question seizes you and you are eleven sources deep with the original paper open at two in the morning. What that engine produces is genuine expertise in a small number of areas. What it cannot do is the required reading for something that does not grip you, so attach the necessary dull material to a question you actually want answered.
You travel toward the difficult part
Where you want to go is not the pleasant version of a place but the part with the history in it: the site, the district, the thing that actually happened there. Comfortable tourism leaves you unmoved. Plan accordingly rather than apologising for it, and take somebody who understands why, because the itinerary makes very little sense from outside.
Your actual philosophy is unpublished
You have arrived at a coherent and hard-won view of how things work, tested against real experience, and almost nobody has heard any of it. The privacy is instinctive rather than chosen. Say one piece of it aloud to somebody who has earned it. A position held entirely in private cannot be corrected, and yours would benefit from meeting some resistance.
Conversion happens once and completely
You do not adjust your worldview incrementally; it holds until something breaks it, and then the replacement is total. That is why the changes in your life have been so complete. The one refinement is to notice a framework failing before it collapses, since the gradual version costs considerably less and is available if you are willing to look at the cracks.
You are the one who will not be recruited
In any group with a shared conviction you remain slightly outside it, asking the question nobody wanted asked. That makes you valuable and it makes you difficult to belong anywhere. Notice whether you are protecting your judgement or simply refusing to join anything. The two feel identical from inside and one of them is costing you people.
You want to know what they actually believe
Attraction here follows an answer: what somebody thinks about the questions that cannot be settled, and whether they arrived at it honestly or inherited it and never checked. Conversation about preferences tells you nothing at all, so the real question tends to arrive within two meetings. That is intense and it is an efficient filter. Ask it, and then be prepared to answer it yourself, which is the half you routinely skip.
You do not believe the official account
Your instinct about money is to distrust the received wisdom and look at what actually happens: who is paid, by whom, for what. That scepticism has kept you out of a great deal of trouble and it can become a reason to do nothing at all. Act on the analysis rather than only holding it, because an accurate view of a system you never enter earns exactly nothing.
You needed something to be true
Underneath the scepticism is a real appetite for something that would actually hold, which is why the disillusionments have hurt as much as they have. That appetite is not naive and it is worth protecting. Keep looking rather than concluding that nothing survives examination, because the position you eventually reach will have been tested more thoroughly than anybody else's.